Mermaidy, Queen of Mermaidia and I were relaxing, picking wild strawberries in our private wild strawberry field. It had been an exhausting day. Someone had cloned Hitler’s brain into the body of a great white shark and managed to teach it how drive a tank, so needless to say, I was tired when I finally got home. The smell of strawberries in the gentle breeze would have been very relaxing, if not for the fact that I was incredibly tough and manly.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang like a gunshot. It did turn out to actually be a gunshot, but I didn’t really know that yet. No wait, I did, because I’m so smart.
The strawberry that had been in my hand, being picked, was now indistinguishable from strawberry jam. I looked up. As expected, it was Horse-man, pointing a revolver straight at my head. He was a man, like some kind of upright walking, hairless ape, with the head of a horse. I wondered how he could shoot so accurately with his eyes on opposite sides of his head like that, but I decided not to bother asking him. He couldn’t talk anyway. He had the head of a horse. That would be ridiculous.
Horse-man was of course, Mermaidy, Queen of Mermaidia’s ex-hot sweaty lover, and jealous of our coming wedding. I had never expected his return in a million years, so of course I knew I was going to fight him today and completely ready.
Quickly, I tossed a batarang at him, knocking his gun from his hand and leapt at him with fists full of fury. With my skill and mastery of combat, we fought like nuns over a bible.
“Your kung-fu has improved!” I called to my horse-foe. “But this is still going to happen to your eye!” With that, I plucked out his eye. That probably hurt. I don’t know, it’s never happened to me. Well, twice, but both times I was really drunk and had done it to myself.
Anyway, I had won the battle like someone who beat someone else at something, making that other person the loser. My analogies are getting progressively worse, aren’t they? Horse-man stumbled away, neighing with what I can only assume was pain. Again, his mouth couldn’t form human words, so I couldn’t be totally sure.
“Where’s your eye now Horse-man?”